Miscarriage101

First, it was just some spot, then some reddish fresh blood, then some dark red blood. Then there was the mild cramping much like what you get days before your monthly, then more dark blood, then some blood clots, and larger blood clots.

Some more cramping, then painful cramping, then more blood clots.

I called the Dr as soon as there was spot. The advice was for me to take bed rest, drink ‘pampakapit’ and observe, report in the morning to the clinic if the spotting continues.

I informed the Dr as soon as there were blood clots.

Dr1:  “Naku baka makunan ka a. Did we see some heartbeat?”

Me:  “Not yet, I am due for ultrasound on November 9, my next check. What will I do?”

Dr1:  “Kung kaya mo naman para ka lang magmemens, at bukas punta ka dito clinic sa Cab at tingnan natin kung may natira pa.”

Me: “So sure na po ba na nakunan na ako.”

Dr1: “Di pa, tingnan pa nga natin. Pwede ka rin take uli pampakapit.”

Me: “Sige po Dra. Punta nlng ako sa clinic bukas.”

More blood clots. More cramping.

Upon the suggestion of my bestfriend, we went to the nearest hospital.

At the emergency room, I was informed by the resident Dr that I will be admitted because I may need to have an emergency ultrasound.  After like an hour or so, no action, just questions from attendants, more questions.

More blood, more blood clots.

Per instruction of Dr2, I was brought to the operating room. They prepared me. For what, they did not say. They say the Dr will explain to me.

(At the operating room)

Me: (to the attendant looking at her directly): “Nakunan na ba ako?”

With hesitance, she said “Oo.”

Dr2 (comes in at the OR, checks my cervix):  Bukas na. Lilinisin na natin. Iraraspa na kita. Anong room mo?

Me: semi-private

Dr2: 12000 singil namin sa ganito. (appears to leave)

Me (calling her back): Dra, ano po ba ang cause?

Dr2: Maraming pwede cause. Pwedeng… (didn’t understand) pwedeng naturaleza na mahina kapit ng baby. (leaves)

They inject anesthesia 2x IV, and injected something on my arm. I started to numb somehow but I was conscious.

They started this very painful process (doing it while loudly telling stories and laughing about as if I was not there, not in pain) unmindful of what I felt.

I probably passed out because when I woke up, I was at my room with my husband and bestfriend and his hubby.

That was it. I didn’t know what to think. My husband was talking and I cannot internalize a thing, I was just saying yes. I did remember praying with him earnestly.

Dr2 didn’t come back to check on me. I was just discharged from the hospital as soon as I paid.

Thinking back

Q1:         Would my baby have survived if I went to the hospital sooner or as soon as I had spotting?

Q2:         While instinctively I knew, was it right that I was not given proper explanation of what happened and why?

I will never go to Dr2 again. Not ever.

The guilt of not taking very good care of myself and my baby

I knew I was pregnant, I tested positive 4 out of 5 times, I am a month delayed, and my Dr1 confirmed it at 6 weeks. But I didn’t have or didn’t have yet the nausea, the vomiting, and the salivating. So while I ate nutritious food and took some good food (prescribed to my body type), I went about my usual office routine, travelling when I had to, giving up the longer trips though.

The one bad thing I think is I subjected my baby to a nerve-wracking stressful situation; something I thought I was doing for the best of my family anyway. The second bad thing is I aggravated it by travelling again another four hours.

I was and still consumed with guilt.

My comfort

I take comfort in the truth that God is sovereign and is in control. While I may not have taken all the necessary precautions and didn’t take very good care of myself and my baby in those 8 weeks, I know He could have allowed it to continue. I know He is gracious enough to have allowed me to conceive again, why wouldn’t He be gracious enough to let us have her or him. Apparently He had other plans.

I do not know His purpose yet and I may never know and may never understand. But however difficult to accept and understand, I know I can trust my Redeemer, that He knows what is best.

I hope to be able to forgive myself in time and let go of this guilt and move on. Meantime, I will watch with calm anticipation as God unfolds His plans. May God grant me strength, power and wisdom to cooperate and find pleasure in them, difficult or pleasurable they may be.