decisions decisions

I woke up today at 4:30am thinking I needed to finish a questionnaire that needed to be pretested this week. In my mind I need to email it to my staff today before I leave because we were scheduled to leave at 6am  for Pangasinan for some planning session. So I did, the alarm clock rang I woke up and started working. I managed to read the Bible - today the account of a David and Jonathan and the boy and the arrow. I failed to pray though as my mind was on finishing that instrument. Anyway, I was well buried into it when I suddenly saw the time was 5:57!! Our bus was at 6:00am. I still had to pack my bag, do my kiss and biiiig hugs and apologies to the three small kids and say my excuses and prayer requests to my kindest husband. Weng, our efficient kapamilya has started prodding the two boys. Fast forward. I arrived 6:18am and had to say "patawad" instead of "good morning" to all the probably already angry ma'ams and sirs on the bus.

Now I am sitting on this bus repentant that I was late but at the same time angry at myself for my wrong decisions. Why was I late? Because I was working. Why was I working? Because I was late on my project targets. Well see I also worked half day yesterday for another project with deadline. 

It would have felt much better if I was late because I had to breastfeed my baby, feed my kids, pray with my hubby. Good reasons with shall we say eternal significance.

Now I think something is really wrong and has to change. I feel guilty that I was not able to feed Kharece before I left. I feel guilty that we didn't have breakfast together with my other kids. That I didn't have a respectable time of prayer....

So what can be done?  What should be changed? 
What can I give up? 
1. DA-BAR project - no
2. CHED project - no
3. IPP - no
4. NIA - no it is SSIS related, it is service
5. GIZ - pursued the proposal, pangatawanan na! 
5. ISRD directorship - meetings, planning, mgt. - yes! 

After all, am I not just a lowly Senior SRS step 1 who has no career path at BSU. (oops-sama ng loob ba yan? pero desisyon mo lumipat sa BSU.) 

(Count your blessings. 
(Akala ko reformed ang theology mo. God is sovereign. God is gracious. Wala sa performance. Only by grace.) 

Oo nga.
Thank you hubby for showing me the way of grace. For always reminding me of God's sovereignty and that He is in control. I will try and make better decisions from now. I will keep trying anyway. 
For now, I will go through the motions, contribute what I can. I have two weeks to decide.