The brothers

And in His perfect timing... He opens the windows...

(A letter sent to me confirming the earlier call from BSU-HR. Thank you God.)

Neuro-psychiatric exam

As a requirement for something God has cooked for me,  I went to take a neuro-psychiatric exam. I thought it was just one of those medical examinations only to find out that it was a battery of paper exams including an IQ exam, and drawing a boy and a girl haha. Questions I remember being asked:
- What was your happiest moment?
- What was your saddest moment?
- What is your greatest weakness?
- What is your greatest regret?
- What are the qualities you like with your husband? or something like that
- Complete this sentence: My father is ________________.
and some hundred other questions.

Anyway, while I was able to draw a boy and a girl haha, I wasn't able to complete the IQ exam because time was up, which probably shows that my IQ is below or just average. That, I already know. My old usual line goes "I don't have high IQ, I am just hardworking." I upgraded that line some years back to "I don't have high IQ, everything is only by grace and hardwork."

After two hours, I was finally done and felt tired. The song "Who cares" from one of my favorite albums- 'What Ya Gonna Do' - Jubilation' came to mind...
the lyrics goes...
... I don't need the wealth of a king
'Cause when I found Jesus,  I found everything...
... Who cares if I'm not always there
... Who cares if I'm not a millionaire
... Who cares if the world thinks I'm square
'Cause I fin'lly found someone who cares...
... I don't need my name in neon lights
... I don't need a doctor messing with my mind
I don't need to hear you're? every/average? plan
'Cause my embarrassments are in glory land...

Overall, the experience was educational, and while I will never know the results because I am not allowed to open the results, the verdict is probably that I am sane and don't have severe mental disorder? below average or average IQ?...

But like what the song above says... Who cares...I don't need a doctor messing with my mind... because thank God, ...my embarrassments are in glory land...

Chairo turns 2

He Opens the Window

(This song is track 10 in the musical "The Dreamer"- a Dove Award winning musical produced by Cam Floria in 1983; sang by Continental Singers. Listen to other equally encouraging songs from the album http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7E507E3256480ED)

Narrator: The butler made a promise that he’d go before the pharaoh to tell him Joseph’s situation and the way that he’d been treated. The promise was forgotten and the days turned into years but through it all, God provided patience and the faith that Joseph needed.

When doubts and disappointments hide the morning sun

When all my dreams have ended, all my song are sung,

his spirit soars within me, every doubt is gone,

I see a new horizon, and sing a brand new song. . .

For in this perfect timing, up ahead the light is shining

and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon

When God closes the door he opens a window, a window

He opens a window so I can see

He’s working it out

the very best for (The very best for me) me

He opens a window just just for me

In every road I travel  leads back to where I’ve been...

When  fears about tomorrow settle deep within

He gives me new direction and takes the fears away

He opens up the future and brings a brand new day

New day . . .

For in this perfect timing up ahead the light is shining

and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon

When God closes the door he opens a window(a window)

He opens a window so I can see

He’s working it out the very best for (The very best for me) me

He opens a window just for m

For in this perfect timing up ahead the light is shining

and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon

When God closes the door he opens a window (a window)

He opens a window so I can see

He’s working it out the very best for me

Now I know he’ll open a window just. . for. . me. . .

Miscarriage101

First, it was just some spot, then some reddish fresh blood, then some dark red blood. Then there was the mild cramping much like what you get days before your monthly, then more dark blood, then some blood clots, and larger blood clots.

Some more cramping, then painful cramping, then more blood clots.

I called the Dr as soon as there was spot. The advice was for me to take bed rest, drink ‘pampakapit’ and observe, report in the morning to the clinic if the spotting continues.

I informed the Dr as soon as there were blood clots.

Dr1:  “Naku baka makunan ka a. Did we see some heartbeat?”

Me:  “Not yet, I am due for ultrasound on November 9, my next check. What will I do?”

Dr1:  “Kung kaya mo naman para ka lang magmemens, at bukas punta ka dito clinic sa Cab at tingnan natin kung may natira pa.”

Me: “So sure na po ba na nakunan na ako.”

Dr1: “Di pa, tingnan pa nga natin. Pwede ka rin take uli pampakapit.”

Me: “Sige po Dra. Punta nlng ako sa clinic bukas.”

More blood clots. More cramping.

Upon the suggestion of my bestfriend, we went to the nearest hospital.

At the emergency room, I was informed by the resident Dr that I will be admitted because I may need to have an emergency ultrasound.  After like an hour or so, no action, just questions from attendants, more questions.

More blood, more blood clots.

Per instruction of Dr2, I was brought to the operating room. They prepared me. For what, they did not say. They say the Dr will explain to me.

(At the operating room)

Me: (to the attendant looking at her directly): “Nakunan na ba ako?”

With hesitance, she said “Oo.”

Dr2 (comes in at the OR, checks my cervix):  Bukas na. Lilinisin na natin. Iraraspa na kita. Anong room mo?

Me: semi-private

Dr2: 12000 singil namin sa ganito. (appears to leave)

Me (calling her back): Dra, ano po ba ang cause?

Dr2: Maraming pwede cause. Pwedeng… (didn’t understand) pwedeng naturaleza na mahina kapit ng baby. (leaves)

They inject anesthesia 2x IV, and injected something on my arm. I started to numb somehow but I was conscious.

They started this very painful process (doing it while loudly telling stories and laughing about as if I was not there, not in pain) unmindful of what I felt.

I probably passed out because when I woke up, I was at my room with my husband and bestfriend and his hubby.

That was it. I didn’t know what to think. My husband was talking and I cannot internalize a thing, I was just saying yes. I did remember praying with him earnestly.

Dr2 didn’t come back to check on me. I was just discharged from the hospital as soon as I paid.

Thinking back

Q1:         Would my baby have survived if I went to the hospital sooner or as soon as I had spotting?

Q2:         While instinctively I knew, was it right that I was not given proper explanation of what happened and why?

I will never go to Dr2 again. Not ever.

The guilt of not taking very good care of myself and my baby

I knew I was pregnant, I tested positive 4 out of 5 times, I am a month delayed, and my Dr1 confirmed it at 6 weeks. But I didn’t have or didn’t have yet the nausea, the vomiting, and the salivating. So while I ate nutritious food and took some good food (prescribed to my body type), I went about my usual office routine, travelling when I had to, giving up the longer trips though.

The one bad thing I think is I subjected my baby to a nerve-wracking stressful situation; something I thought I was doing for the best of my family anyway. The second bad thing is I aggravated it by travelling again another four hours.

I was and still consumed with guilt.

My comfort

I take comfort in the truth that God is sovereign and is in control. While I may not have taken all the necessary precautions and didn’t take very good care of myself and my baby in those 8 weeks, I know He could have allowed it to continue. I know He is gracious enough to have allowed me to conceive again, why wouldn’t He be gracious enough to let us have her or him. Apparently He had other plans.

I do not know His purpose yet and I may never know and may never understand. But however difficult to accept and understand, I know I can trust my Redeemer, that He knows what is best.

I hope to be able to forgive myself in time and let go of this guilt and move on. Meantime, I will watch with calm anticipation as God unfolds His plans. May God grant me strength, power and wisdom to cooperate and find pleasure in them, difficult or pleasurable they may be.

Every pregnancy has a story (hihi)

Khane Kits: honeymoon baby, made in the Philippines, 3 peanut-sized stones, born in Japan.
Chairo Paul: made in Palawan, torn achilles tendon, almost came out on the taxi, born in Baguio city.
Kharece Reba (assuming!!!): third and last baby, made not sure, aborted 3-wks trip to India, born ?

God is good and He is great.
God is good and He is great.
God is good and He is great.

No wonder David can worship God the way he does in many of the Psalms.
No wonder Nehemiah can pray the way he does in the book of Nehemiah.
No wonder Paul can speak of God's grace, mercy, power and glory in his epistles.

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? – Psalm 8:3-4

"How is it that God comes forth from so noble and glorious a part of his works, and stoops down to us, poor worms of the earth, if it is not to magnify and to give a more illustrious manifestation of his goodness? From this, also, we learn, that those are chargeable with a very presumptuous abuse of the goodness of God, who take occasion from it to be proud of the excellence which they possess, as if they had either obtained it by their own skill, or as if they possessed it on account of their own merit; whereas their origin should rather remind them that it has been gratuitously conferred upon those who are otherwise vile and contemptible creatures, and utterly unworthy of receiving any good from God. Whatever estimable quality, therefore, we see in ourselves, let it stir us up to celebrate the free and undeserved goodness of God in bestowing it upon us."- Calvin J. commentary on Psalm 8:3-4 http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/calvin/cc08/cc08013.htm